im sorry

i jus need time to accept it..

it was a very happening day to me, ups and downs, but i wasnt feeling any happie after the incident..why???i wake up in the morning, i was really happie that he'l be coming to my place.. i noe everything wil be going really great ^^ this was our 2nd seduction~~kakak ~ i was so in the mood to try out with the sushi..i noe im a noob in boiling rice, i watched videos from youtube to learn how to make sushi rice correctly , how to make MAKI.. i was really excited to make him my very first MAKI, hez the first person to taste it...

i was happie that he ate all of it although it was kinda..ermmm~~the rice was really soft, and the shape of the MAKI wasnt in a shape i would say..hehe~wel, everything was going soooooooo great and good, we were both felt excited on the bed...but wit something that he said to have left me into speechless..

me and my gf last time oso like this one.. having sex wit condom means hez stil a virgin..hmm, then i'l be a virgin until i get married wit my future husband if i've been using condom to have sex wit all my bf..is this wut u are trying to tel me?
wel, i wouldnt get so frustrated if he's told me the truth instead of manipulating the truth...i could tell here that I TOTALLY DISLIKE IT AND IT MATTERS ME, trying imagine that im comparing him with other guys, wel, this wouldnt be a good thing to him and tatz why i dare not to do it to him...however, wut he said was really matters me deep down in my heart..sense of being cheated even made me to be speechless..i was really excited tat moment no until he said that...my feeling jus made as if 'pls do not touch me'.....i tried to control my emotions so hardly, i tried to get my mood back as fast as possible, i tried not to reveal my feelings, but my mind wasnt there for some time, even he's done wut i've been hoping all this while, but the 'i love you' jus being said at the wrong timing...to me, saying i love you in such a distance is such a wonderful thing, but i din feel anything, even stunned for a while until he asked me whether im fine or not..i noe im a spoiler to have ruined everything, I DO HAVE EMOTIONS!i've controlled not to say out everything cos i noe he'l feel bad for sure, and i noe myself well, my words are cruel and harsh, i chose to tel nothing even he's asked me so many times..but i could felt that he wasnt in the mood ady, but i tried so hard to bring things back cos i noe my response had spoiled everything until he left me alone there, i felt sucks and cried out...why was everything going until like this??i ady felt sad cos i felt hez somehow cheated, FINE, i tried hard to calm myself down so that i could control my temper well, i knew that i've ruined his mood for everything, i even tried to talk nicely to him, but i nv expected that he would leave me there, and made me felt that im such a spoiler and loser in life~~~why are all my efforts not working right???i felt angry and sad at the same time, all this emotions pushing my tears dripping from my eyes...i kept questioning myself why has the one i loved so much treated me like this????others could treat me but NOT HIM for sure~~~although we promise nv mention bout it, however i have a very good memory~i tried to stop crying bcos i noe that he wouldnt be happie to see me crying so sadly..furthermore, he's trying to console me.

luckily all this had not last long, everything ended so funny for the day..haha~however, he's left, i went for a bath..for quite some time until i've alienated his calls.. i was crying again in the bathroom... i kept asking myself, why would i be so bother wit this thing?perhaps i havent been loving him deeply until i could accept everything of him including his past...i feel even sad when i found myself hav kinda losing faith onto him...

im sorry for everything..