michael 5

hyper depression...

ytd night was a nightmare to me...i couldnt imagine how would i go for my exam on the next day...i was hyper depressed...on my study and also to my babe...sigh ~~i've alwis thinking too much bout us, perhaps this has alwis being a burden to me that i would expect so much from it. i tot i really found someone who i really could take it seriously,and i did!i hope things really going on the right path..i hope everything will be jus a fairy tale story..somehow it happens to be different way in reality.

im a very sensitive person and overworried..but when i hope the person to love me as how i love him. i wanna have a 100% from him, and i would give him, or i've gave him the 100% of me. lately i jus realised that has not been the way that is happening wo...o.O i dunno wut to do cos i feel ambiguity with wut i've expected to happen seems like happening...i noe for sure i couldnt concentrate on my revision and exams, which really driving me insane for this few days...my core day of my life...i've been crying so few days lately...im really sucked up wit the feelings of jealousy and insecurity,low self esteem is attacking me to be even worse to dare myself with the reality.

perhaps age gap could have possibly a barrier for communication....but i believe the lack of communication would have be the primary resource of existence in problems in soon..however, i've tried to bring up the issue so that i wouldnt wanna see any misunderstandings and problems being roll out huge jus becos that we are not willing to share..i have been thinking of this issue all this time, cos i have run out of ideas wut shud i do !!recently i found myself even freaking out when my intrinsic feeling told me that he has ntg to talk to me..HAHA~how can i be laughing???!!!but wut can i do..tatz why i choose to cry instead of standing tough for being so optimistic..haha~~ i really got sucked up when i was really depressing bout my last min exams and hoping so hard for someone to calm me down or to comfort me, at least something sweet or warming, i really expected so much from him, and now i realised that that i shudnt expected so much of that since it got me disappointed if things happen in another way. my bad again for expecting so much ..im stupid!even my frens have been warming me, calling me to support me,calming me by teaching me and guiding me, and i jus expect something sweet from him >.<....i really expected very much ytd and ended up i felt foolish ..haha! from hero to zero, do u noe howz tat feeling?itz like get ya heart frozen and break up with a hammer, thatz the description of it ^^
i noe i was on the heat for the preparation for exams, but will i be able to get rid of all things from my mind and having 100% concerntration for it? impossible for sure!i cried while studying, i cried before i slept, i cried in the bathroom,i felt hopeless and something happened to really seized my confidence away from him...i feel scare and insecure!!im scare to lose him,and im scare to lose the feelings. i need confidence that u really love me, not merely by words. im a suspecting person and radical change doesnt suits me cos i hardly accept changes..kaka~~too much of studying LMC~im a hedger aint a speculator..hahah~~~
i decided to called him up ytd night and told him how i felt, and i was really curious why would he remain silent??sigh...bargaining power of rivalry!!!!perhaps i would have increase the market power in order to enjoy the EOS as to set barriers for new entrants ar..hahahaha~Michael porter 5 forces is really useful, not oni in multinational strategy management, but also in relationship..COOL~however, i noe i shud have apply the SWOT framework to analyse bout myself before applying any models ..sigh~~hedging methods oso need to be considered before implementation of it in order for greatest strategic fit~~

wel,prepare myself to campus today, and i jus wanna call him before my exam started cos i really need someone to comfort me..somehow, i dunno why it comes so naturally of my feeling that i'l really wanna shoot him ..kakkakakaka~~he nv reply my text..>.< how come he alwis not here when i needed him the most arr..>,<...sob sei jor la!!!luckily i din have the feeling to cry when talking to him bout the truth that making me to feel insecure and sucked up..perhaps i noe i have to control my emotions since it was bout an hour to go for the exams..seeing my frens so nervous for the exams, yet i was talking on the hp wit him..perhaps i jus couldnt concerntrate and i act felt nervous too cos i've been poo poo-ing few times since morning >.<

after that saw yuan and HM...while i was walking behind, he suddenly walked beside me and told me that he wanna cry..O.O..wut happened??

frustrating...depression..tension..

frustrating...depression..tension..

im really freaking out for my exams..whenever i told my babe bout it, he'l jus ask me to stay calm and wut for to scare of,perhaps he dunno why am i feeling this way....itz hard to explain..i keep asking myself why am i working so hard for it?why must i forcing myself to the max for it?itz merely exams, write out the everything i've studied once i got the paper at the exam hall,but isnt it so simple?i doubt not...perhaps it might, im jus complicate everything =.=

wel, i've been not sleeping well lately becos of this exams, even i've tried to sleep early, yet i couldnt get myself sleep tightly or even i would wake up in the middle of the night figuring out bout wut i've studied..itz exhaustive i would say...itz so intense until i couldnt get my period cycle and immune system back to normal..i mean it have been kinda distorted...pressures are from everywhere rather than jus studies...SIGH~

i've alwis been bothered with many things, even jus a little one, i admit. i felt myself like going insane that my mind is jus filled with theories, journal articles, references...etc...the oni thing that gives me some motivation is talking to my babe..sadly, he nv talk much to me...i really dunno wut to do...even when i need support from my babe, i dun see it practical,not even a call to calm me down when im depress...it jus hardly carry me up from the bottom down...i really need someone to carry me along when im depress...i've been fearing of my exams and the unfinished and hardly understandable topics til my tears dropped in way to release my tension..i noe it sounds critical, but im going through this and i cant feel anything from him...

what a day ~~

i was so anticipated for today's class,LMC, wishing high for the discussion of the case study for our exams from our lect, woke up early in the morning and intended to read up the journals articles. however,my darling gal text me all the way from UK, 2 msg around 5++ morning, sadly i wasn't awake to reply her at tat moment, she seems miserable from her texts. im pretty worry bout her, wut happened??!!possibly regarding her job,the ppl around her, her parents, her bf, not happy with the environment?!!i doubt so since she mentioned that she hope to just fly home O.O.. at tat point i jus felt myself helpless,my opinions are alwis not compatibl with her with her great exposures and lifetime experiences, i wouldn't have a word for her every time when she feels miserable, the oni thing is jus being a listener ^^ i do hope it helps her out <333

after out from the bathroom, another of my secondary ji mui jus nudge me and written there that she've just broke up with her bf!!OMG~~~wut happen to the ppl around me???i have been listening to her story for some time lately and nv expected to be happening so fast O.O...from the moment she told me that she saw this guy through the way of being couple until ended up apart,i jus feel to hug her <333

after all, getting myself prepared for the class. i received a phone call while on my way to take my bus ride to the campus, FY told me that the class was cancelled. DAM IT~why wouldn't i been informed earlier??no phone calls nor text have i received from the college until this moment...SWT~~~somehow, FY jus suggested me whether or not to have a K session wit them?? 'them' here refers to herself and her bf, and the sisters...OMG~~~~i really hope to revenge for her..HOHOHO~~thereby decided to go for a K session to relax for a day ^^ finally i felt that me and FY were somehow one gang today..hahahah~~she told me that ERR wasn't excited when she gotta noe that im joining them ..hoho~~but i noe FY wil be happie since we could see the 'difference' hohoho~~i really could feel it finally !!!jus got annoyed with ERR sometimes.. but overall was happie ^^

i was happie when my babe intended to come over for accompanying me ^^ i din expect to receive his text bout it after i hang on the call ^^ wowowo~~later we all went to IKEA !!im really excited since this was the first time for us to have a walk there ^^ i've been anticipating for such moment long time ago ^^ the feeling was great ^^ hehe.. i felt happie ^^ i really hope that we could have a home that belongs to both of us..i hope can go there another day oni both of us T.T...then we could enjoy talking while during the walk and taking those designs as references,i din expect that we like the similar thing, similar designs, similar tastes in interior design wo.. hehe..i love that bathroom, kitchen, living room, bedroom, shoe rack, and so many..i jus love the moments <333

we went for a simple high tea..hoho~~even jus simple hot dogs, soft drinks and curry puffs are more than enough to make me happy cos i had my babe and frens wit me..im happy that FY and i were so happy sitting with our partners and chatting..the feeling was really great^^

u noe, when the time Q asked me not to pay back wut they'd spent for us, i felt grateful not becos that i need not to pay for the food, but im relief that how could i have such frens~~~i dun mean that im happie and relief whenever my frens treat me, somehow i jus appreciate their generosity to me, meaning that im worth for my frens to spend their generosity on me!!however, at the same time i jus felt disappointing towards my bf..how could he nv said a thing, not even a thanks!although they are my frens and the food wasn't luxurious kind, but my fren treated US~~i felt so happy that they were trying to think on my shoes, they noe that i cant go home late and intended to fetch me back,Q even offered to spend me and babe K when i said we PK...although i've rejected the offer and itz not a serious thing,somehow it makes me feel my frens treat me even better than my babe to me!!i dislike such feeling, but uncontrollable for its existence that keep inquiring myself why would my bf be like this?! @@...when FY pointed out the question to Q regarding X'mas gift,it jus reminded me that i desire one too since few days ago when yuan asked me to acc him to shop for a watch for his gf as X'mas gift. i was hoping hard that i could some surprises from babe, but seems like he wouldnt if i nv pointed it out to him..when he asked me wut i wan for X'mas gift, i jus couldnt answer him,he might not afford to give wut i wan at this moment and i und it very well, but money jus cant buy love,perhaps luxurious gifts wouldnt be my major choice cos i noe i could work hard to getting it by myself...but when seeing FY and Q with their conversations, not becos of the offer of money of gifts, but the willingness towards the partners is the point here...not even willing to spend me a chicken chop, i would nv forget in the rest of my life!!i feel silly that im saving hard to buy him clothes and he even said tat hez not forcing me but im the one buying for him >.<..

wut i wan for X'mas gift ar...i dunno ..something unique, not so childish since im not little gal anymore, im a young lady ^^mayb not jus an object, but something makes me really surprising and happy and memorize...sigh..i dare not to hope for it cos i dun wanna get disappointed T.T