freedom

'freedom' introduced by tommy hilfigher.will this frangrance gonna give me freedom?or only just the feeling of getting freedom?feelings of flying highly in the sky?however,it'l still bring me back to the reality!im so tired!so exhausted!i read my frens' blogs n oso others which i dunno..they seem so enjoyable in their lives,seriously im kinda jealous with them!why cant i be like them?!u may ask me to think in a different perspectives n i'l be happier.i tried so hard yet probs are stil existing!sometimes,i just wanna buy an air ticket n fly away from home!u may say.."so selfish,foolish,irresponsible..etc".u wont know how i feel if u have never been through the situation!when someone that u lovs so much do not respect u at all..do not put on a trust on u..do not understand u..do not support u no matter wut u do..do not listen to u...etc,wut would u feel then!?wut am i supposed to stand in for the rest of my life?if hez my bf,i would just throw him like a pan cake..however,this man brings me to the world..i really appreciate that!sometimes,he is just too over!i dont need a wealthy family,i dont need him to be a professional,i dun hope him to be perfect..but i want him to know me!it has been many years tat we never talk 'heart to heart'!everytime i try so hard to do that..but end up with debates,disagreements...etc!i just dun understand why my mom knows me so well!she even knows wut i think without me telling her!but my dad is the totally opposite!if there is a quiz for him..im sure he'l get zero..haha.maybe just a few marks!
1.wutz my fav food?
2.wutz my fav colours?
3.wutz my fav numbers?
4.which is my fav car?
5.whoz my fav band?
6.which is my fav music instruments?
7.whoz my fav actor?
8.which is my fav sport?
9.which is my fav dog?
10.wut do i scare of?....etc
i think even my fren could have a higher score than him..haha!he just dun seems to know me....

should i?

i was kinda late to mirado today cos i just need to rush for my bath. i got a feeling when on my way to the music school..i knew that i might not be seeing them..well,i just ignored my feelings cos usually things would be the opposite of wut i have expected!who knows this really happened yesterday!i was kinda sad..not to say sad but disappointed...something was missing...i had totally lost my mood at all eventhough i din show it out..but i know that my teacher should have realised bout it!questions arose when someone told me that tt din come n so to shap!i have no guts to ask lynden cos he might think something else..but i really wanna know!!!speding holidays in somewhere else?sick?preparing for another performance?preparing for exams?the lights are still off!!just a sense of curiosity onlymer...but it seems non of my business=(
during my lesson,my teacher asked me question...it seemed to be tough for me to answer but act i already have the answer,how m i supposed to express it!? "who do u like the most between them?"...i think u could have figure it out rite?however,itz useless for u to know the answer since the person involved does not know bout it!i just have prob of how to treat the one i like!!frankly,i treat shap really good...itz nice n comfortable to talk to him,play with him..hez such a good guy!i just like to talk to him...have fun with him..n i'l melt whenever he smiles cos itz really adorable n sweet!meanwhile,the one i like just treats me differently from how shap treats me!!somehow i just feel that he dislikes me,trying to avoid from me cos i got a feeling that he knows i like him!hez so 'cold' to me..how m i supposed to melt?i feel so frustrating...many people ask me not to like him but my feelings ask me not to let go!i know itz impossible but i just like him!i admire the way he takes music in his life!i love the way he loves music!hez the guy that i hope to have in life...no matter at which stage..there are so many guys out there who are much greater than him..why do i fall in luv with him?i hardly understand..i was really sad when i knew he has a wealthy family background..this will always be the first thing i bother bout a guy that i like..yet hez considered independent cos he seems not to rely on his family!i was so impressed when someone told me that he ran away from home to stand for his freedom where he desires to be a guitarist n a music teacher!i started to admire him since then!'no music no life' just suits him!

hehe!

i had my lesson last friday n so to them.i was kinda down at first cos something bad just kept playing in my mind.i was so sad cos they might not even saying a 'hi'!however,something unexpected just happened...they were there when i reached the music school..i just went to a studio which has organ n piano so that i would have more choices...then i just try to play the song that i like!lynden just came in n we had a short talk bout the performance..he was satisfied with us n i felt really nice with that..he was just saying to have a jazzy song for the next concert but why am i not knowing anything bout it!?i tried to ask him more detail bout the next concert but he just ignored me n continued his lesson with them!of cos i would never bother to ask anyone bout this n just continued with my songs!suddenly i heard some noice..'tuck...' n the light in my studio was off!i was kinda shocked n panic at that moment...power failure might be one of the reasons...wait a moment,my rhythem box was stil on..my organ was still on!!so wutz the pro?i really have no idea bout it!maybe some switches were burned...etc.wut would u do in such a situation?i just opened the door,trying to get some info bout wutz happening...n i knew the answer at this time!someone stood beside the doorway,leanning against the wall,crossing his hands...just a smile to me..a very familiar one..itz something 'good' from shap!i was so pissed off n surprised at the same time cos he did this to me..haha!hez so childish but itz act fun..haha!he said tat it was done by tt but tt wasnt outside..he was all the time in the studio playin his guitar..i think so!"i'l take revenge on u shapour..u better becareful..hahaha"...he just smiled n kept walking past the studio..meanwhile i just sat there n looked at him whenever he tried to take the second chance to off my light again!how i wish tt did this to me...sounds so desperate..it is!but so many people around who knows me well are advising me not to put so much concerntration onto him!even alan said that too!but i seems tough if i really wanna do it..unless something really makes me....to let go....

over...

last saturday was the concert,of cos i was kinda excited bout that..performing with all the guys that i admired..they were really gorgeous at all time!we went to the auditorium for rehearsal in the afternoon,i reached there around one cos my teacher fetched me there..well,the first rehearsal was at 1.30 while mi2 was at 3.30!!that period was act kinda boring..luckily shireen and brian were there to talk me..edd was there too..keep yawning cos his team was the last one..haha!he seemed so boring with all the violinist and pianist up there..haha!i was waiting for them..looking at the stairsway..where are this people?finally shap n t.t were here..men in black!i was shocked when they brought the classical guitars here..wutz wrong with u guys?weren't u guys playing elect. guitars?they were gonna have a duet at tat night...wow!i was melting off by their duet k,even itz slow..haha!they always talk among the men and alienated me!!they like to talk to edd..stupid!hez always the vampire of all..with a sunglasses placed on top of his head..black jacket with a white t inside..those are his favs.
i was act kinda satisfied with my actual performance that night eventhough there was some mistake at first..the tempo was supposed to be 105 but one of the elect. guitarists said it was kinda slow..well,i just adjusted it to 110..and the rhythm sounds fast..i just stopped it immediately n start again...i was so worried that they might blame me for that!!107 was the new tempo i set for the second start..and he just said itz kinda fast..and finally the tempo went back to 105..does it sound stupid?everything has over..and i just have a feeling that this might be the first,last and the one and only performance with them..u may ask me why..well,itz just a feeling..even not a 'hi' when seeing him..i mean shap wont do that..but the one i concerned!i just feel that someone is avoiding me..or perhaps he feels that i like him..haha!they are really chun and i really appreciate all this..i learned so many things from the concert,organisation,cooperation,coordination and oso the most precious of all-friendship!im waiting for the next performance to give me a chance for earning money..haha!

w_h_y

know why im using white in colour..i dun wanna in such a family!i wanna run away from this family!everything has been changing..everyone is changing till i hardly take this to life!im entirely exhausted from my life!none of my family members is there to support me at all!im 18,i want my freedom!!!i wanna be independent!i want my life to be in my way!i wanna make my own decisions!im showing them that im mature enough to take care of myself...but they just dun understand!they think that im changing!im not like my sis..shez totally relying on my parents!i just dun understand why she hates me so much!?i did nothing to her..i din fight to her n she acts innocent in front of my parents!why cant they just put on a trust in me!i know myself..i know wut i want!sometimes i just dislike wut i have..they have planned everything for me..sometimes i just feel like not studying and do something i have never done before...bring all the pocket money n have a flight secretly!!!that must be chun rite?i think i might do that after i have graduate!!so long to go!"...there may be some tears before bed time.."this has been shown in today's star newspaper at the horoscope session(aries).well,this happened in reality!i did cry this afternoon..i feel my life is so meaningless..why is my family being so overprotected?i knwo they luv me so to i...but i need respectation especially from my dad n sis!they just dun respect me at all cos im the youngest at home!i totally disagree with their thoughts but nothing much i can do!im not tough enough to live by myself..my sis is a degree holder n shez proud of herself..she wants to control everything..i just cant stand her behavioues at all!we are so different,i found myself hardly to have conversation with her although we stay under one roof in one room!everytime i try to protect her when my parents scold her...and wut she has done to me now?shez 'inspiring ' parents to scold even i 've done nothing wrong!im so dam frustrating with this..so tiring till i cant take it!others think that im happy-on-going but sometimes i wanna commit suicide!i have no guts to pick up the blade...im scare of blood!i have my concert practise session today,tears just dripped so naturally that i couldnt control..my teacher n teacher pat were so scared..i tried so hard to calm myself,trying to call my bro..i really wanna have someone with me at that moment!i wanna call kah hou,sharon,akun even t.t!!hou will reject me,sharon is working,akun might be busy with her niece...i felt that my world has gone in a sudden,everything is not under control,problems are waiting for me,nobody is able to understand my predicaments..not even my family,but only my mom!i dun wanna tell her..i want her to live a happy life,im mature enough to settle everything by myself!i totally have no mood to talk to them..i mean shap and t.t...tears cant solve the probs but at least i manage to release my tension which can drive me crazy!sometimes i just dun know my dad at all,hez such a stubborn+conservative man..may be we have generation gap!sometimes he just ask me why am i not talking to him...excuse me..u are the one who always scold me n tease me whenever im trying to have a conversation with u..that should be something like debates!i dun wanna fight with u cos im the loser cos u dun even give me a chance to voice out my opinions,u think u are the always the rite one!"u dun have to be the winner,u are the real winner as long as u stand it" was the encouragement from a fren of mine that makes me to continue my life!