SiDesign

''u will alwis gonna be my love...u will alwis gonna be the one...''utada hikaru...first love..

wow...finally i realised why shez in love with this song...i've got fallen in love with it too..haha!
the lyrics is meaningful, and of cos most importantly it expresses my feelings towards the person tat i love...wowo!!

anyway,im happie tat dear dear has arrived in safe to newcastle finally after a 14 flight...fortunately there was someone to talk to her along the long journey so that she wouldnt felt lonely and miserable..hehe!im glad that she has finally begin to realise her dream after 22 years of her life living here..i noe this is her dream...as a fren,im supportive to her encouragement in taking the first move...i noe she'l make it greatly!i believe in her!!i noe u can do it dear dear!!!yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!somehow, i really worry bout her since i noe so well that she might be pressured by the environmental factors...somehow, i jus hope that she'l stil share her experiences so that i will not be lack behind...i dun wanna lose a fren like her!!!

besides, i finally found out some information related to the guy that i've pumped into..hmm,act it was jus a hint on the company that he might possibly working for at the moment..has anyone heard of SiDesign???probably an advertising comp..sort of designing comp..wowow!!!i was surprised that hez act in such an artistic industry man!!coool!!i was wondering wouldnt there any possibility for is to become colleagues in future??wowo...i jus couldnt imagine how would it be if this really happens ...kekekekekeke!!anyhow,itz jus a dream...or imagination that kept inside my mind...wut happens in reality is totally differ from it..haih!!!how i wish i could get closer to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!desperate-nya!

"dun think like shiaw lee...ppl give then we ma take lo.."

why am i feeling this way?

i shudnt have bother so much on wut he has said since i have made up my mind to let go..and the feeling did came to me last few days..where something happened that act sort of annoyed me..somehow, i might have changed my mind in exiting such stupid 'game'...

anyway,i noe that we've been thinkinn differently when comes to dealing with mr. wong...i noe the reality is not as simple as i think...but i jus wanna maintain a good relationship since he has sacrificed his time to have some music sessions with us..i appreciate tat although they were oso trying to make use of our resources since the oni capital we have is students!the phrase "give and take ma..itz a manner of the matter"...keep appearing in my mind..perhaps he might be right in saying this,somehow, this might not be applicable in all situations...i really feel frustrating when he says so...

i love u guy!!!muaxxxx!!!

i cried in the noon...

it was like a rollercoaster..frankly i was felt retarded when i received my audit cw from ramesh..i was so upset,part of it would be the fact that i need to redo my cw..but i wasnt in the mood to cry not until i flipped through my content pages...where he'd written the marks for each part..my heart as if was bleeding after a sword went thru it and couldnt breath for the moment..i was extremely sad when i saw my hard work in returned with a 0!!!itz was act pretty hard time for me to calm myself down...furthermore, my gang were there to look at my cw...i was so touched by them,where they found mistake that ramesh might have done in the marking,they searched for the points tat are possible to get extra marks,they even offer themselves to help me out in redoing my cw!!!!tat was the major reason for me to cry...to waste my tears..for me to get my headache and my nose and eyes red...for me to get embarrasing in front on the public..and i think itz worth it since i have such a good gang of buddiess!!!i appreciate and i love u guys!!!!i really love u guys!!!

another issue, i felt sorry to FY cos i might have hurt her feelings...i could read her thought when the moment i saw her laughter..i noe itz not truly from ya heart la...so fake !come on!how long have i noe u??kekek!!but i noe shez trying to show her openess so tat i wont be worrying on her..i noe u la!!!she dun meant tat ...jus tat every single of u guys got really high mark..and i failed for the cw..therefore, she was jus trying to encourage me in this way...shez trying to consult me in this way..she dun meant tat my dear!!she jus being over concern and worry bout me and resulted in saying those things...sorry!!!!i hope u dont take this into concern!!im really glad that u guys were concerned bout me...im so glad!!u guys are my best every buddiess!!
and everything ended up in making a mistake...heheh!!but it was worth it since my gang really showed their true colour...their hero colour!!!oh no!!!!i fall in love with my gang jor!!kekeke~~

then, we went for sports...gym+swimming..hmm,i wasnt good and experience in this ..cos usually i'l jus fast walk or joggin..but not in the gym room..and i dun even noe how to swim!!keke...and u was seriously shy to take off my clothes in front of themm..furthermore,i wasnt wearing a swimming...jus a normal under and bra will do...and the water is cold though itz noon time..luckily i din sneeze cos it might get me into trouble..though it was a hard time for me to float...and even nearly get drown...yet i have the determination since itz a way to lose weight!!!itz my goall..here i come..hehe!!!soya bean is healthy ..and therefore i need to be as healthy as he does too!!kekek!!

u are my soul..u are my nerve..
u are my star..u are my sunshine..
everything i do..will do it for u!!!!!

wooohooo!!!!!

black + blue vs mouth + foot desease

i alwis believe that everything happens in contra with another thing..there is alwis a balance between good and bad, similarly as GOD has brought the creatures of men and women to this earth...

supposingly i was extremely excited and happie cos someone appeared to have made my day..and my intuition hint that there might be something unpleasant happening around..

black + blue = CSL's fav colour match...which appeared on him..wow!!!since ever tt got the right match, itz hardly to get the exact match perfectly on..i really admire it!!but when the moment i saw him, the feeling aroused,the sense of nervousness...i really have no guts to look directly at him...i think hez the oni guy that is making me to feel this way so far!!whenever i try to look at him,my face would naturally turn into a tomato pie...and cant concerntrate,my body temperature wil heat up as i'l feel warm, and of cos the main point is my BP and pulse will be interrupted to an unsteady condition, which indirectly resulting in hormone disorder that is leading me to have the intention to scream out "i love u so much"!!!

after the excitement, here came the side effects..worries, fears and curiosity....but i dun give a damn to extend any further as this might disappoint me..im not as tough as i think,im not as easy goin as other ppl think...itz difficult for me to accept and adopt something which is out of my range of expectation as well as ability. i wanna be optimistic...but sometimes it happens to be at the opposite of the expectation and even it falls within the estimation, the progress of adoption will be disrupted by tonnes of reasons!!!in other words, im escaping from the fact...


on the other, someone has fall sick...and i was pretty sad bout it..somehow, i was impressed with myself in facing this situation...as i've mentioned,good things will be followed by bad things since good luck is not alwis there with us..in fact, i was really upset when i knew that he has fall sick until today since last fri..i tot he would have recovered since it was kinda small matter....and i saw him this morning,walking on the street with a half dead looking face...haih~~~~~~poor thing!!!the regards that i sent really meant it...but i was surprised that why didnt i have the feeling..i mean i jus feel sad and worry bout him as a best buddy, sis point of view instead of cryin like hell as i used to be..i mean mayb i might cry if something bad happen (touchwood)..somehow, i jus wana care bout him as a fren...and this feeling is real great!perhaps i've let go something...hehe!!!im really glad to care so much for a fren...and i dun bother bout wut he might think ,wut i'l get as return.....but jus to care for a fren truely deep down from my heart~~~

get well soon ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~if not how to sing ar???

admire or love?

looking at the wide monitor screen,keep backspacing...figuring out wut shud i write as the content of this post....

act there were many things happened,perhaps stil happening..but im not involved into any of the situations!!anyway,im trying my best, and i think i manage to do it...there also many remedies which i have thought about...

keep myself steady and busy so tat i'l have no free time to think bout other things.

get myself to fall in love into a total new guy..hehe!!

stay away from him so tat i'l wont be getting too close with him

less commitment to keep a boundary in between...so tat i wont be thinking too much

keep thinking bout the evil side of him instead of blinded wit all those stupid things!!!

try not to avoid eye contact as this would help me to face him as well as the prob

think with open mind and accept everything with open heart...

jus look at the outside instead of inside to avoid any misunderstanding...

concerntrate on my edu as well as my plan..


i really have no idea how shud i get rid of this...soya beaa?i jus have a feeling tat i got confused with my feelings...admire or love?i got confused...of cos i do hope my bf would be like him..but....were the feelings true??or im jus being too emotional towards a guy...or even a stranger?

no music no life!

no music no life??doesnt it sound familiar??jus look up at the theme of my blog!

there have been something on recently in my club as well as my life...everyday non stop wit my coursework,tiring, exhausting....even the music clinic has caused me so much probs!but i noe i'l be tough to handle everything..im not gonna give up!i really have worries onto wutever events that have been carried out by our club...the response probably would be the major trouble..and of cos the relationship among the BOD...i dun hope to have misunderstandings or conflicts while conducting the events..i really dun wanna see this to happen among the BOD..i wan perfect chemistry!!hehe!

next,im on my way to release someone...to let go...to stop thinking onto him..to have no feelings towards him..to have oni frenship or even as a buddy to him....but the reality is holding back cos there have been many things happening around...but i'l try my very best to not to fall into the same person!!im such a loser!!!CSL>>>u are such a loser!i noe his dream gal...yet im dreaming all the days on him!this is pretty stupid!!my heart has really broken into ...trillion of pieces...for the moment there is no remedy for me to heal...perhaps time and ppl will do!!hehe!!

anyway,i was pretty impressed when i saw the poster did by them..i've been wondering who was the one tat insisted the slogan of 'no music no life'???wow....i really like it...im scare tat it might be him again....i'l be happie if bryan tells me it was his idea...however, i'l be tortured again if it was his idea!!!im so scare and tortured as everything is making me to fall deeply into him!!i hate this feelings!!!!!!!!!!

red.red..red...red....

again...im scare to fall into the same hole!!i dun wan !!please save me!!

although i keep persuading myself with thousands or trillions of reasons in return to get rid out of it,itz likely difficult for me implement..it's been a habit for me to look at the MSN list when i sign in,i wonder why i've been so concern whether hez online or not..i feel secure when he is one of them..however, there isnt anything for us to chat with excluding club meeting..i mean we dun chat online even i really hope to chat with him!somehow, i have no idea wut shud i chat with him, or even saying a Hi would makes me feel awkward..there isnt any ideas and ways for me to approach him!

secondly, it has been a habit for me to have expectation on wearing the same colour shirt,same style of dressing....and of cos i hope tat we will be alwis wearing the same things!kakakakka..
anyway, we wore the similar colour today ..red!this is something incredible..for me la!

thirdly,it has been a habit for me to have expectation on seeing him everyday..i hope to see him at the bus,i hope to see him at campus,i hope to see him at cafeteria,i hope to see him at the lab...jus all the time..this feeling is jus killing me...and i feel something missing for the day when i do not noe wutz happening wit him..when hez leaving,when hez not there, when he nv come,when he appears offline.....................................

wow!!even i used to feel similarly towards tt,but i'd considered that tt has nv been thru so much with me before...whereas,this is something different...

i dun put a dare to expect anything higher..at least everyting will not fade as how it is doing now..even a best buddy will do..

im really happie!

im really happie today!!

stil rmb wut happened on monday..i went to campus in the morning and got my proposal and ideas rejected..i was pretty disappointed tat day..during the phone call, i was really emotional as when i was listening to him..a moderate tone in consulting me...as oso consulting himself at the at the same time,really calmed me down..and i worried too on his position to face Mr Wong..i missed the way he speaked on the phone..

and wut happened on today was a total turn out...i was really worried for the last few nights..non stop thinking bout the new BOD..bout how to face the new members..and oso the refunds..wow!but it seems like we are goin along with the luck..im really pleased with this..itz unexpectable cos everyone seems to be unprepared at first,looked uncertain at first..but when everything get started,we've kept the ball rolling as the dynamic has got started!!wow!!im really glad with it..at first i tot wut we've planned may jus be trash ideas...not applicable...who noes!!yeshhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
and of cos the main thing tat driven me to the sky is when he asked me "you feel happie for the meeting, dont u?"...i was impressed that he noes...and notice...and rmb...tat i felt upset on monday and now im happie with it!!wel,i kept reminding myself not being overwhelmed with this...but sometimes it jus out of my control..im really happie for our club!!!!and i could see that hez happie too..and being not hesitating to go on with all the ideas though he sounds like nv bother to it...

same shirt+same denim pant+same type of shoe

the feeling is similarly as taking a roller coaster...

of cos i'l prefer taking a ride on ferris wheel,togather with the one i love..how i wish this would happen to me one day!!!i waiting for sure...hahaa!

it has been a long time for me not to see him, and i tot da feeling towards him would have jus disappeared so suddenly since i've been adore to my fren in my campus!!somehow, i saw him in the morning..my luvely 'soya bean'..haha!i miss seeing him dressing in formal clothing..i was first adored to him,where i was so fascinated by him...though hez not handsome,and i really meant it..haha!!but i jus feel tat this guy is irresistable!!kekeke!

he really made my day,i was really happie and tempted and i knew tat im gonna start a good day..somehow,i would have stayed for a longer and keep an eye on him..but i have to sacrifice for another person,which i promised to help him up..i would have no comment on it since i volunteered myself..

wel,sometimes thing happened as out of our control..and of cos i knew itz not her fault,no one is to be blamed in this case..i und wut she meant..and i knew itz all for our good and oso to encourage us to learn from experience as to gain higher maturity level!frankly i appreciate tat she had spent her time to listen to me and oso the suggestions..although there might be something we cant do now,but wutz the point of getting everything done reluctantly?somehow, i felt tat disappointed when i was supposed to tell him the result of it..though i wouldnt say tat we have done much work onto it..at least we've done something in order to bring out the plan,somehow, it failed!!haha!but im happie tat we've been thru all this,and for sure i'l be there to support him no matter wut!!yoyo!as a fren,as the assistant,as the member of the club,i wouldnt wan to see the worst side to happen,i wouldnt wan to see the corruption..of cos those pressures would not stop us from surrending...itz nothing much for us to fear bout..nothing will dillute the power of music!!!yoyo!!!!!!!!!!!!anyway, i was really touched when he was consulting ourselves on the phone..i act feel contented when he really shares his opinions..his ideas with me..im feeling happie bout it!

btw,we wore the same colour T-shirts whcih were brown,same denim long pants, and oso same type of sports shoes...jus tat his brand is adidas and mine is nike!!wow!!though it doesnt mean a thing to him,but it does to me!i mean...i nv expect to be like this..everyting goes by feelings..i felt like wearing tat shirt instead of my new shirt..i felt like wearing tat pant instead of the old one...and i felt like wearing tat shoes instead of matching the usual one..and all is 'feelings' are confusing myself!!argh!

no guts,no expectation..

why am i doing all this...

hez bz with his proposal..wel,i hope im as free as i think..sadly this is not happening to me..i have few cw to rush for..and yet i seems to be in gesture...without any pressures on my assignments..perhaps i dun give a dare to think bout it....escaping!!

anyway,i keep asking myself,is this the right way of loving someone?is this considered as love?or am i being too foolish in doing such things?he would not noe how i feel even i have done so much things for him though?but isnt it wut i wan,without him noticing?frankly i personally have no idea on wut am i doing,and whether im doing the right thing or not..somehow,i jus wana do something for him...although he might not appreciate all this,but at least i''ve try my very best for him!!i dun expect any return,or perhaps wut i hope is considered as a return!i jus wanna be there when he needs help,i wanna share his pressures..i wanna help him so tat he wont be facing all the problems by himself..although the person beside is not me..i wouldnt say tat i dun mind or im not disappointed...but i jus wanna be there when he needs help!!!!!!!!

at this point,i really have no guts to imagine wutz gonna happen next...as wut i alwis say.."enjoy and appreciate wut i have now..instead of worrying the future whcih is unknown"....

syok sendiri!!

wow!!another success had brought to life!!yeah!

hurt me?i think im trying to hurt myself as though it doesnt mean anything.i feel that im acting like a libran,concerning on the balance of everything,keeping myself aware to wut im not supposed to do and wut my emotion has lead to do..which is in the dilemma of falling and not fallin in to a guy!

i was pretty impressed wit wut we have done so far for the club,it was the first time ever for me to feel the determination of moving towards the goal..and of cos the team spirit...although our club is nothing much special or any stronger as compared to others, at least we have the passion in organising the functions,even the events wouldnt have been so ideally done without our patient, coorporation, understanding,and of cos most importantly the chemistry among each of us!i really appreciate the fun and joys tat we'd been togather as this would bring me a meaningful memory for my higher level education life in the campus!at least therez something for me to rewind when i begin with 'those were the days'..i really hope tat the chemistry and dynamic would not fade..and even the interaction of every single of us would be stronger than ever!

anything issue,we sang for the day!!i mean we really sang for the staff day!!i felt really stress in the morning cos i din see him to appear anywhere..not until i was sitting in front of the pc in the lab,where he was outside there,looks kinda anxious..perhaps he was late..and i believe therez a reason to it!anyway,i was pissed off with the internet connection cos it was slow!dam slow!i realised how retarded was my day goin to be..no progression on my audit cw,but wasting my time to wait for the practice and performance!luckily he was on time to call me cos everything seemed to have bored me..of cos i would turn my mood up when approached to music instruments!hehe!somehow, i was really worried that he told me he took 3 tablets to cure his gastric prob!wow!how i wish i could do something for him at tat moment..food?drinks?anything i can help?it all started off as usual..i love his voice!finally i gotta listened to the real vocal without warming up..it sounds raw yet sentimental!i like it!itz nice!i really meant it!of cos there much more to go,and i was really happy tat he sang my fav song wit me!'how do i live'..finally was presented to the audiences..but im sorry to say tat i laughed when he was singing the song!kekeke!i was really happie with the result of it..and once again,the chemistry!

btw,i really adore wut kelvin said when he was walking behind of us.."wut are u guys talking,the couple in front..the 2 couple in front,wut are u guys talking ar?....."

i suddenly realised that i would rmb everything that happen between us...and this is wut i considered to care about a person.even a mighty thing would caught my attention to it!

syok sendiri!!hehehehhe!

please hurt me!

have u ever feel like something is running up and down in ya nerves?feel like screaming?uncomfortable?

this has been happening to me recently when i see someone, i was pretty fine at first,i tried to keep myself calm,controlling my emotions as i'l not misund...i tried so hard and now it seems like everything is not working as how i've expected!i tot i should have healed up since i got the worst part of my life last year..and all this brought me to frustration and the feeling has ended up with shifted to someone else..everything seemed to be on the right path,sweet memory of admiring my lovely soya bean...everything was jus in a good mood..

however, my life has beginning to repeat the same mistake,which is wut i've been prevennting from happening..perhaps i've been thinking too much,im jus being over towards anything that happened...perhaps wut she said was really true..we have nothing in common,but oni in music!tatz y i've appreciate him as a teammate or someone who can discuss or share opinion on music..nothing much!

furthermore, i really hope that wut hez doing now would hurt me deeply so that i could get rid of this asap!please hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how do i live...

"how do i live"..sung by lee ann rimes..the soundtrack of the movie title 'con air'..

i like this song,i think itz meaningful as to the movie too..i had once been fall in love with this song cos it describes how i feel towards a guy that played a pretty important in my life..he influenced me much..however,i stil think that this guy is so chun til i keep comparing him to other guys..hehe!
anyway,it has been a fully occupied for the week,i feel really tiring though,but the joy is worth for me to bring my keyboard from my room all the way to my campus,taking up the risk of letting my keyboard stay nights and nights at the student council room, reaching campus every morning to get the boof set up nicely,even had destroyed some of the campus properties...hahah!but i really enjoyed the club week..but i want it to be end up as soon as possible..on the other hand,im afraid that i have no chance to see him more often as in how we are seeing each other everyday...isint it stupid?

i tot everything will be fine..on the path..as how it was really happened..but everything seemed to be too perfect,which is out of my expectation..where i've been predicated something unpleasant like disputes would happen..somehow,itz jus so perfect!!!!!i would say itz an amaze to music club,for first time ever to have recruited many new members,to have such a chemistry among the old members,to have carried out everything in success,to have such a nice memory..i think itz a good start..that everyone of us has being so committed to the club,which i feel pretty proud of it..i have no regrets that i've requested patrick to insert our club into the list!itz awesome!!!

wel, the worst thing that i've encountered is i might be having a high possibility of repeating the same old mistake..which i have jus realised..i kept persuading myself to make things simple,but recently my brain is stucked like nobody business..i couldnt control the way i've thinking of him...perhaps,many songs remind me of him..damn it!i dun expect anything to happen,as long as the chemistry is there,we are frens..tatz wut i wish to have at all time!i dun expect him to be 'mine'..and i dun have the right to do tat..i have nothing to feel envy...perhaps itz jus nothing..jus tat i've been making things into complexity!

you're the one

who i like?



my fren jus asked me a question regarding the type of guys tat i interested.frankly i was pretty hard to tell him the answer cos i have many ideas bout my ideal guy..but the first thing tat came to my mind was soya bean..haha!currently hez the type of guy i like..somehow, i think im gonna talk non-stop on this topic..



anyway,have u ever miss someone that u love?someone tat u really care bout?someone that makes ya heart pump like nobody business?someone tat makes u worry all night long?someone tat makes u feel happy and tempted?someone that drives u to insane?someone that opens ya heart?someone that gives u energy whenever u are in hunger?someone that drives up ya passion toward achieving ya goal?someone that is in deep in ya heart?someone that u've been thinking everyday,every second,anytime?someone tat makes u feel so desperate to hug him?
wel,im goin through all this..it sounds like stupid and ridiculous to do all this,but to me,i jus think itz contented that i share my love to someone...hehe!

someone is back...

someone is back...

it has been ages for me not to mention bout this guy..tt,abreviaton of thomas tan..haha!he used to be my top-listed guy...wel,i really love this guy previously...he had driven me crazy.
anyway,the reason tat has act brought my intention to blog here was..something tat makes me feel increadible..jus wanna share it out..
on tuesday night,i was lying on my bed,thinking of wut have happened recently,the person tat i've admiring recently,the day after tonight,the things tat are gonna happen next morning, the possibility of seeing in the next morning...the person tat i meant wasnt not tt,itz another guy since tt has left for some time..at this moment,the name thomas tan jus flashed thru my mind,the memories of us performing together,practicing together,laughing,all these were stil fresh in my mind..then,questions appeared to myself,how wil i feel if i would have a chance to see him again?how would i response if im gonna see him face to face on day?am i gonna say 'hi' to him?or jus get myself stun there?how awkward would the situation be?or he'l jus pretend not seeing him and we end up being passers-by?anyhow, i was surprised tat when i tot of seeing him again,i jus realised tat i teared out!!wut da..how could i waste any of my tear on this guy??come on,i shudnt have continue to be a loserr!!!but i was pretty emotional...wel,i had a piano practice section on thurs,and lyden jus came to my studio and told me tat "ya bf has come back ytd "...i was pretty curious bout who would be my bf...i dun have one,and even asked him to intro to me..kakak! "thomas tan"....i got stunned for some seconds,seriously i had no idea how shud i response to him!after i've got this news,i got kinda distracted with these...the words kept appearing in my mind..''thomas tan is back''..seems like i have fallen in love with another person, i tot i would feel nothing bout this..but the fact is i stil got distracted with him..i think i 've gotta make myself clear about my feelings!!

my best frens...

it sounds like a reunion..

i alwis on the believe that we shud not done something to others which u dun hope to get from others..furthermore,i do believe that anything happens wil have the reasons,we've gotta cherish wut we have at this moment so tat we'l nv regret in the future..other than this,i oso think that when something good comes to me,something bad is waiting for me..i'l wont have good luck accompanying me all the time..so i need to appreciate before things happen to be worse..as the conclusion,i hope to live happily evenyday,enjoy the lifetime tat i have every moment instead of worrying of wutz gonna happen which is out of my control and expectation...i hope i can do this to make everyone around me to be happy..

anyway,the YA members met up..btw,YA is youth ablaze,which is some kinda fellowship held at the collage..meeting up the guys were the happy thing after a realistic-business review based-audit class by our excellent lect Mr Ramesh..hez such a wise man!!im his admirer...keke!wel,it's been a long time for us not to meet up in gang..i was surprised tat many of them came all the way from SS2 to KD campus!wow!this was the first meeting held at the campus,therefore, it was kinda funny and excited..as usual would have snacks while the meeting was carried out,and this made the atmosphere to be more relaxable.afterward,we went to 1U for lunch..wow!chilling out with them was the funniest and relaxable time cos u dun have to be wut ur supposed to be in front of a guy..jus be yaself as u are with ya family members..jus burb out as when u wan to..jus laugh as loud as u can whenever u wan..their are like big boys to joke and play with,but oso big guys when u need to be protected!haha!buddy buddy ma!

can i?shud i?am i?

i kept questioning myself bout the samething..i went to mirado for piano practice since exam is jus round the corner,i saw eddie and lynden..as usual,we would have topic to talk bout..but i'l say tat eddie looked fabulous with himself dressed up formally!!wowow!u look awesome dude!this was the first ever time for me to see him in this way..
anyway,the main point was both of them suggested me to be a truely musician..hm..i used to considered bout this question when i was at high school,or even 1 or2 years before from now..but i think i've chosen to be involved in the business industry where i gradually get myself used to the business world though im worry bout the reality of it..but im getting curious and interested into wut im learning...auditing,management,taxation,marketing...etc.im pretty happy tat i finally have put on the interest..back to the topic,i was kinda suspicious on myself whether i really manage to be a truely musician or jus taking it as a hobby in life?hmm..i started off with my interest on singing,then my parents jus discovered tat i have interest and perhaps talent in music,which lead them to buy me music instruments..i then became an addict to 'it',even told them tat i cant live without music!wow..i was pretty proud of wut i'd said!recently i found myself to have changed whereby i might have lost the enthusiatism and determination in music..perhaps i've been learning things which out of my interest..u may say im being stubborn,but im a nuts in classical music!!i keep wonderinn why would i took up the piano exams and courses?haha!itz ridiculous..somehow,i jus went back to who i am and took up drum lesson secretly..keke!musician..wut does it mean?pianist?keyboardist?guitarist?drummer?organist?full time music teacher?i have no comment on it cos im half way towards the business industry...i sure tat i'l be a graduate tat major in the business and accounting area!however,music is stil part of my life, and i'l nv give up in any chances to connect myslef to music or discovering new things...cos i like learning!

just read a blog written by my cousin..



happie birthday to my cousin sis- wei wei ...sweet 14 huh!how i wish im stil at teenage..but no more looo..reviewing wut i 've done during my teenage life,i felt pretty ashamed with myself,i act was a boring person,i did nothing special during the 5 years of my high school life..itz pretty sad!i was such an obedient daughter to my parents,obeying everything tat they asked me to do..why shudnt i be a little ignorance to them?!perhaps i shud have done something tat is memorable which at least makes my life to be a little bit colourful..something meaningful so tat i may have some stories to tell my grandchildren..kaka!



anyway,reading the blog,and sometimes watching some series,i felt that i am a truely loser!!!i've nv been through the feeling of having a bf over the 20 years!!!sometimes i might just feel so despearate of jus getting one...but am i suppose to get anyone else in order to fulfil wut i want?though i really hope to have someone there to love me..but isnt it good to just pick anyone out there?or i jus get whoever which is single and go ahead with the confession even i have no good feelings towards the guy!?or i would jus say yes to whoever that is available around me?hmm..i think i might not do this at this moment...i have doubt in future if im stil a single for another 10 years!i have worries on myself for not doing anything, and being pressure to regret in future whereby i have done nothing and nv appreciate my lifetime...or i might regret tat i've just left my lifetime passed in such a meaningless way...im so worry bout this!furthermore,i have no idea wut shud i do except the wishes tat i've listed down..

btw,i really have doubt on myself wutz happening in my life now..i tot i should achieve wutever targets that i've been set...however, i lose the dynamic and enthusiatism to continue my battle towards all my targets..sometimes i really need supports,either literally or mentally..i jus need supports!!!but no one seems to bother bout it...perhaps everyone has their own responsibility in their life..so would they bother bout others?i noe itz being bad to say this cos i noe tat there are of cos ppl who act care for me...i really cherish for their consideration!i love u guys!

hopefully i'l get to find myself very soon..i wanna get back to who i was to be..my confidence,my curiousity towards the surrounding,my passion towards my life,my reason of living in this world..

my listed wishes and targets to be done:
-lose weight preferably to 50kg
-do well in my study,wish to achieve distinction in degree
-write songs,compose songs...
-to be a friendly person,down to earth...learn from mistake...i dun wanna be sportlighted,but someone where ppl wil turn to me when they have probs,sadness..i dun mind to listen to them..

to be continued..

sometimes i dun even noe wutz the purpose of switching on the pc..

perhaps to dl wut i have choosed..to update some info..to chat with frens..my life sounds really boring..jus read my fren's blog,where she has found the purpose of living in the world,where she found herself,her reason of living,that shez here because of jesus!wel,i heard of this from others as well,and i think im blessful cos im here!

listening from my another fren,where her frens were killed in an accident..this really scares me away cos life is jus so miserable,as in we really have no idea wutz gonna happen next..no prediction but we do have a choice to appreciate everything that is with us now!i dun wanna live in regrets,i dun wanna look back to the past..maybe the experience will build me into a tougher person..but not to fear me off!i dun wanna let the past to be a reason for me as burden..

btw,i found my gang to have splited into 2...we used to be so united as one team..u'l for sure to see us togather at anytime and any place..but thing has changed at the beginning of the year..and i have doubt in trusting some of them..perhaps they've found something even better than wut we have...